We Don't Choose Who We Love
by LionessCersei
Summary: Jaime's thoughts during his relationship with Brienne, from the moment it begins until the moment he leaves.
1. Trying

For the first time since he had come to Winterfell, Jaime Lannister was actually enjoying himself. He was surrounded by his brother and two close friends, Brienne and Podrick. Whom to his relief had all survived the long night with him. They were all having fun playing a drinking game together.

Then, Tyrion just had to ruin things. He'd gone too far with one of his questions. Mentioning Brienne's virginity. Then he really put emphasis on the fact that Brienne was a virgin. As if it wasn't obvious enough.

Jaime quickly informs his brother that that's a statement about the present as his way to tell his brother, that is not a fitting question for the game. After all, they are supposed to be making statements about past deeds they've done, not their current status on things.

Tyrion, however, was undeterred and continued on, "At no point in the past up until this very moment have you slept with a man. Or a woman."

Jaime can tell Brienne's upset, The second Tyrion had even brought up the topic of her virginity any happiness had been gone from her face. He'd hoped to prevent further upset, but Tyrion was really clueless. Damn his brother to the seven hells.

She gets up out of her seat, stating, "I have to piss."

Of course then, just at the most inopportune time, that red-headed wilding with the beard comes up to them, blocking her path. What was his name again? Ah yes, Tormund. Tormund Giantsbane.

"We did it! We faced those icy fucks! Looked right into their blue eyes. And here we are," Tormund stated. Then he made some obscene joke about shitting in his pants, which Jaime did not find at all amusing. Brienne, he can tell isn't amused either, though thanks to Tyrion's remarks Jaime doubts anything would amuse her right now.

In a no-nonsense voice, Brienne finally spoke, "Please pardon me, for a moment," and before Jaime can protest, she is gone.

Tormund makes a move to follow her. Without a word, Jaime gets up, blocking the wildlings pass. The two have a staredown, which lasts not even a moment before Jaime turns around and goes to follow Brienne. He doesn't know what his plan is, but no way was he letting this wildling go to her room. A highborn woman such as she could do far better.

He stands outside her door for quite some time, nervous and unsure of what to say. He knows he needs to say something though. He'd seen that hurt look one too many times in his life, ironically from Tyrion. To think his brother who'd usually been the one to have such insensitivities bestowed upon them was the one who had caused that hurt, baffled him.

Finally, he knocks and she lets him in.

Not knowing what to say, he simply states, "You didn't drink."

They have some awkward back and forth, and he makes a move to pour her a drink. He is so drunk that his hand wobbles as he pours, but somehow he manages not to miss the cup.

Her room is far too hot. So he takes his jacket off and he complains. She, in turn, informs him that she puts more wood in the fire every time she leaves the room. He knows she isn't used to the north, but then neither is he and he certainly doesn't put more wood in the fire every time he leaves the room. Sure his room is cold sometimes, but it beats the sweltering heat she has going in here. How does she sleep in this he wonders? Then again, he is quite drunk, and though he doesn't drink all that often, he has noted in the past that it does make him hot, for whatever reason.

They make more small talk. Apparently, the North has grown on her. Well, it certainly hasn't grown on him any. In fact, he cannot wait to...to what? Cersei barely stopped her monster from killing him last they saw each other. He wasn't quite sure what to do. Truthfully, he hadn't expected to live through the battle against the undead. His mood starts to sour and so he forces those thoughts out of his head, and forces himself to think of something, anything else other than the sister he both wants to, and fears to get back to.

So, as he pours more ale, he broaches the subject of Tormund Giantsbane. He's not sure why, but he is concerned.

"You sound quite jealous," she states.

He agrees that he supposes he does sound jealous, though he honestly isn't sure if jealousy is what he feels. The feeling is different then what he'd felt months ago when Euron fucking Greyjoy dared to propose to Cersei right in front of him. There is no fear and he certainly doesn't wish to pummel Tormund Giantsbane into a pulp either. Well, not so long as he leaves Brienne alone...that is unless she likes the wildlings attentions. Which he doubts she would, being that the man is basically a savage.

Her room is still hot, so he decides to disrobe more. After all, she had already seen him nude in the bath years ago, so it's not as if it's a big deal if she sees him again. He would keep his breeches on at least.

He has one hand, but he usually struggles less than this, though typically he is not so drunk. As he undresses, he tries to remember how much he's had to drink. He knows it's a lot. He knows he isn't thinking clearly and probably shouldn't be here right now.

Brienne moves to help him undress, and he remembers the time long ago, when they were with the Boltons, where she had helped him cut his steak. She is compassionate, and he likes that. He likes her. So without thinking, he moves to take her shirt off.

She asks what he's doing. "Taking your shirt off," he replies.

She swats his hand away, and for a moment he worries that he's upset her. Then, she begins to take her own shirt off, and she helps him with his clothes, too. He informs her that he's never slept with a knight before. She informs him that she's never slept with anyone before. As if he didn't know.

"Then you have to drink," he informs her.

"I told you..." she begins to say. He cuts her off with a forceful kiss. He is so drunk that he barely notices that it lacks all the passion that his kisses with Cersei have always had.

Before he knows it, they are having sex.

For her part, Brienne at least does more then just lays there, however it's far from good. Truthfully, he thinks it might be the worst sex he's ever had. He's too drunk to remember if he and Cersei have had worse. He chides himself for thinking of Cersei during the act. He's with Brienne now. He forces his concentration on her. He feels more like he's going through the motions, bored almost. Brienne at least seems to be enjoying herself, if the odd sounds coming from her are any indication.

She cums, long before him. When drunk, he usually cums sooner, however this time he struggles, to cum. After some time, he cannot help but have his thoughts drift to Cersei. How much better Cersei's body fits his. How Cersei moves a certain way that he absolutely loves. How Cersei's nails dig into his back and leave blood often times. Before he can force thoughts of Cersei out of his mind again, he cums.

He gets off of Brienne, exhausted. Neither knows what to say. He isn't sure if he should stay, or leave, but he worries it will be taken as an insult if he leaves, so he stays.

When he wakes up the next morning with a huge hangover, he looks over at her. She is facing away from him and still sleeping, thankfully. He feels instant disgust over what he's done and instant regret. He'd taken her maidenhead and for what? He was fond of her sure, but love her he did not.

He doesn't know what to do. He knows he cannot just dump her and go back to his sister. That would hurt her too much and she was too good, too kind, to deserve such a thing. Besides, he isn't even sure Cersei will want to see him, and her pregnancy certainly must be showing by now. She must have married Euron Greyjoy, or fucked him at least. He may be the stupidest Lannister, but he was no fool, he knew the people would never accept a bastard as heir and that Cersei would certainly not allow the child to be born as such,

He thought of all the ways Cersei had hurt him over the years, and there were many. Hurting him, seemed to be something she was quite good at. Brienne, on the other hand, had never hurt him, and he doubted she ever would. He'd already taken her maidenhead too, and a Lannister always pays his debts. So Jaime vowed to try to make things work with Brienne. He decided to stay, here in Winterfell. Love her he may not, but perhaps love would come in time.


	2. Acceptance

Love, however, did not come. For nearly a month they spent a lot of time together, and Brienne seemed to fall more in love with him each day, though she never voiced it, which he was quite relieved about. He, however, felt nothing, other than admiration and friendship. Nonetheless, he kept trying, surely in time his feelings would grow.

After all, it wasn't all bad. Jaime did enjoy being able to be in a relationship that could be publically acknowledged. He liked being able to take her hand, or kiss her randomly. He just wished it were another woman that he was able to do such stuff with. A woman with eyes the same color as his and hair as bright as the sun.

It was nice to have sex, too, even if it wasn't really that good, he needed the release and it was, at least better then masturbation. Without his right hand, masturbation had never really been the same. He knew it wasn't Brienne's fault, for one she was new to lovemaking, and two, he doubted it could ever be good with anyone but Cersei anyway. Brienne's body for one just didn't fit to his the way Cersei's did. And he constantly found himself being disappointed in Brienne, when she didn't respond in the same ways Cersei had, or like the same things she had, though of course he never voiced this displeasure.

When Jaime finally tells Tyrion about them, Tyrion informs him that he has known for weeks now. He asks Jaime if he's going to stay here in Winterfell. Jaime confirms he is and confirms Brienne is as well. Tyrion tells Jaime that he is happy he's happy.

Jaime isn't happy though, not really, but if he's fooling Tyrion then he reasons it won't be long before he fools himself, as well. After all, didn't someone once say "fake it, until you make it?" It seemed just crazy enough to work and Jaime was hopeful there would one day be a day where he didn't long for Cersei anymore.

When Tyrion makes a joke about "climbing for it," Jaime laughs along with his brother. They toast to "climbing mountains" and Jaime's glad Brienne doesn't walk in at that moment, he has a feeling she wouldn't find the joke so funny. Knowing her she would have been offended. He wished she had more of a humor.

Then Tyrion asks, "What's she like down there?"

Jaime refuses to answer, and they go back and forth for a bit before they hear the voice of an old friend.

"I knew you were fucking her," states Bronn of the blackwater.

The two turn to look as Bronn makes another remark "A pair of tall blonde tuffs. It must be like looking in a mirror."

Bronn enters the room and he is holding a giant crossbow. Tyrion doesn't ask about it, for whatever reason, of all things he asks Bronn why he isn't carrying a drink. So Jaime inquires about it.

Jaime isn't surprised to find out Cersei wants him dead. A bit hurt, but not surprised. He knows how she gets. She'd probably ordered the hit right when he left, when her rage was fresh. She'd probably be devastated and full of regrets if Bronn succeeded. Nonetheless, he finds it a bit amusing that his sister would choose Bronn of all people to kill him. Does she not understand just how easily the man can be bought? Cersei should have known that Bronn would try to negotiate before killing either of them. He would surely accept Tyrion's higher offer as a good enough reason not to kill them. His, beautiful, beautiful golden fool of a sister.

There is some back and forth between the three, and Bronn hits Tyrion in the nose. Jaime stands up angerly, but Bronn is still holding that damned crossbow. Tyrion thinks his nose is broken. Bronn assures him that it isn't.

Then, Bronn says something that makes Jaime's heart drop to his stomach, "I knew your sister was dead the second I saw those dragons. Now your army may be torn to shit, but I'd still bet on your dragon Queen to win."

The second Jaime hears those words he is sick to his stomach. The thought of Cersei dead. It's more then he can bare.

Bronn debates the merits of whether or not to kill him, or Tyrion, and Jaime briefly wonders then if this is the end. If he would be killed by a man sent to kill by the woman he loved. He wonders if Cersei would cry when she heard the news, or if she would just rejoice in the fact that her traitorous brothers were no more. Then he calms himself. This wasn't just any man. This was Bronn. Bronn his friend. Or at least he hoped they were friends. Besides that, he surely wouldn't be talking now if he actually planned to kill either of them.

Tyrion makes Bronn and offer of High Garden and Jaime just cannot help himself. He comments, "Highgarden, are you mad?"

Tyrion replies back, "It's better than being dead,"

Jaime comments, "He's not going to kill us, he wouldn't be talking..." He stops himself as an air flies from Bronn's crossbow, missing his head by mere inches.

That sets Jaime's tempter off and he feels the need to inform Bronn that Highgarden will never belong to a cutthroat.

Bronn argues that, and makes a seemingly good point. Tyrion gives Bronn his word that Highgarden will be his. He tries to convince Bronn to go south with them in the morning. It doesn't work and Bronn takes his leave promising to find Tyrion when the war is done.

Later that evening, Jaime finds Brienne and Sansa talking in the courtyard. They seem to be having an intense conversation and neither look happy. Reluctantly, Jaime approaches and asks what happened.

Brienne informs him that one of the dragons was killed, and several ships destroyed and Missandei captured.

Sansa then looks him dead in the eye and informs him, "I always wanted to be there when they execute your sister. Seems like I won't get a chance." She then walks away and he is left alone standing with Brienne. He tries his best to hide how upset the thought of Cersei being dead makes him. When Brienne takes him by the hand and leads him away, he thinks he must have succeeded in hiding his anguish. She leads him back to her chambers.

Jaime needs to forget. Needs to not think of Cersei. He tells himself that she is hateful. That she deserves her fate. She even sent an assassin to kill him. He must stop loving her. He must. He can't allow it anymore. Not when he has a good woman here in front of him who would never hurt him. So he pulls Brienne in for a kiss.

They end up fucking and it's a welcome distraction, but once it's over Jaime's thoughts are back to Cersei again. Brienne falls asleep next to him and he stays up for hours in despair. He thinks of all the reasons why he should love Brienne. He thinks of all the reasons why he shouldn't love Cersei. After a while he leaves the bed, no longer feeling right laying next to Brienne. He sits in the chair and debates a bit more before his mind is made up. He is Cersei's and like it or not he loves Cersei and he must go back to her. If he doesn't and she dies he will never again be happy. He feels guilty about Brienne, but he knows it is nothing compared to the guilt he would feel if Cersei died without him. So he makes up his mind to leave.

He thinks of leaving a note, but has no idea what to say. The truth would only hurt her more, and he had delayed long enough. His indecision had already cost him time, he couldn't afford to waste more. So he leaves without a word.

As he leaves, he knows now that he is hateful. For here he has a good woman who loves him with all her heart, yet he loves a hateful woman who sent an assassin to kill him. Not only that, but he has done so many hateful things for this woman. Things she both requested and required of him, as well as things she did not. Things he would all do again for her.

As he is getting his horse ready to leave, He notices Brienne approaching.

"They're going to destroy that city. You know they will," she tells him.

"Have you ever run away from a fight?" he asks her.

She walks up to him and grabs him by the face, "You're not like your sister. You're not. You're better then she is. You're a good man and you can't save her. You don't need to die with her. Stay here. Stay with me. Please. Stay." Her eyes fill with tears as she finishes the last sentence.

He hesitates, unsure of what to say back. Her pleading has not changed his mind in the slightest, but he feels enough guilt that he knows he must at least attempt to ease her sorrow. He knows that telling Brienne the truth, which is that he loves Cersei and is fully prepared to die by her side if it comes down to it, will do little good to ease her pain. So instead, he tells Brienne all the hateful things he's done for Cersei. Brienne is a good woman and though she knows what he did to Bran Stark, she does not know that he killed his very own cousin just so he could get back to Cersei. Nor does she know that he truly would have killed every man, woman, and child in Riverrun just to get back to Cersei. He ends his speech by informing Brienne that Cersei is hateful. But so he is.

He hesitates for a moment, giving her a chance to slap him. He truly feels he deserves it. Instead, she just stands there, silently sobbing.

He finally turns away from her, and mounts his horse and begins to ride away. Brienne's sobs get louder, but he forces himself to continue on and doesn't spare her a glance. She is stronger than him, so much stronger, not just physically, but she has an emotional strength that he admires. She will be fine, in time and finding out how hateful he truly is will certainly help with that.

So Jaime rode on, thoughts of Brienne quickly leaving him as thoughts of Cersei and what he would say and do once he saw her took over. He wasn't a fool. Even though he was the stupidest Lannister he knew that his chances of actually convincing Cersei to surrender or flee were slim. He knew she would likely die in the Red Keep if it came down to it. Still, he loved her so much that if she were dead, his life would be meaningless. Trying to love Brienne had been a foolish mistake. Cersei had his heart and always would. He realized suddenly that he should have put more faith in his own saying "We don't choose who we love." He had tried to choose and only ended up delaying the inevitable. For he knew for certain now that he would rather die with Cersei, then live with Brienne. So he rode on, doubtful, yet hopeful that he could save the woman he loved, but resigned to the fact that if he couldn't, he would do his best to ensure he died in her arms.


End file.
